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They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps

I never really thought I was hidebound; I didn’t consider myself parochial or anything –old maybe, but that’s not an indictable offence is it? Just something expected from anybody born in the last century I guess, although for me that reeks of the 1800s rather than the latter half of the following century -the one with the best music groups and the more realistic ideas about family ties and communication; the one with no smartphones, SMS, or Emojis.

But even octogenarians like me are amenable to change if my now adult kids insist on texting, instead of using the old-fashioned-voice-phone. And I have to confess to a mild embarrassment when they don’t seemed enthralled with the sound of my voice if I phone them. In fairness, though, perhaps there are times  when it is inconvenient to stop everything else in their lives to actually talk to their father. Perhaps they require time to decide what to say to me; time that a quick smile emoji coupled with a few bland E-words in a text gives them; time to fit me into their lives, but later, when it’s more convenient for them…

Still, to someone my age, a non-answered phone sends an uncomfortable message when I know perfectly well that there’s one tucked in a pocket of the person I’m trying to contact. Rude? Perhaps, although I realize it’s de rigeur nowadays; but more that my ‘kids’ are now well into their forties, and they should know better; me too, I suppose…

I think this new etiquette started with teenagers though; for most of them, voice calls are no longer the default mode of communication. Instead, they are becoming the exception, used in very specific contexts -like irate parents demanding an actual verbal apology, or explanation for why they are not home yet, for example.

As an article[i] I happened across recently put it, ‘Picking up the phone means being available here and now, with no safety net, and no delay. For many teenagers, this immediacy is perceived as stressful, a loss of control. There is no time to think about what you want to say. You might stammer, say too much or too little, express yourself poorly, or get caught off guard’ -exactly what a worried parent might hope.

‘The desire for control over time, words and emotions is not just a teenage whim. It reflects a broader way of navigating social relationships through screens, one in which every individual grants themselves the right to choose when, how, and how intensely to connect. In this context, phones become a flexible interface that connects and protects. It provides connections with possible escape routes… In this new way of managing one’s availability, silence is a form of communication in itself. It does not necessarily signal rejection: rather, it seems like an implicit norm where availability is no longer assumed. It must be requested, negotiated and constructed.’

So, like my bowels and their increasing demand for predictability, I think I learned something new: calling someone on a whim and with no prior warning is really a breach of digital etiquette nowadays. Ideally, I suppose, one should choose the right moment and check in first with, say, a text asking if it would be a good time to talk with them before making the call. It’s a sign of respect, and I have to say, there are some new things that make sense, even in one’s dotage.

I stumbled unthinkingly into trouble with a friend of mine a few months ago. I was trying to decide what it would be like to use a video chat like FaceTime for an important family meeting about a sick and troubled relative; I hadn’t seen or communicated with that part of the family for years however. I had no idea how to go about it, or for that matter whether a video chat would even be suitable for  resolution of the problem.

Of course, I tried to gather information about the platform online, but it sounded a bit fussy and too complicated for me. I downloaded the app and decided to try it out on Leslie, an old friend of mine to get her opinion. And no, I didn’t text her first, or even voice-phone her the usual way -I suppose I wanted a proof of concept; I remembered her telling me once that she’d tried FaceTime for a meeting she couldn’t attend in person, so obviously she already had the app on her phone, or computer -or wherever it waits in hopeful silence. I felt it was a golden opportunity for me to learn by the time honoured trial-and-error route; I’m sure it would be the same for the relatives I hoped to contact.

I had a little trouble getting the FaceTime working -a lot of trouble, if I’m honest about it- but real-time trials are always the most informative, don’t you think? At any rate, after having to re-download the app a couple of times, I finally figured out how to contact her. The app assured me that if she agreed to the video call, I was in business.

The phone seemed to ring for a long time and actually timed-out briefly before her picture appeared.

To say that she was surprised at the call seemed obvious -although confused would be more accurate. I knew her from the walks we sometimes took, and she had always seemed appropriately groomed on those occasions. This time, though, she looked as if she’d been awakened from an afternoon nap: her hair was ruffled, her cheeks looked wan, and she certainly wasn’t wearing her usually immaculate walking wardrobe. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say she was in a dressing gown and slippers.

“What on earth do you want, G? I did an extra shift after I finished my night one, and I just got to sleep…”

Did I mention that she seemed really angry, as well as surprised at my video call? I’d never seen her like that before; she was always so cheery on our walks; so full of life; and, dare I say, so polite. “Sorry Leslie,” I mumbled, still unsure of how to manage her picture on my screen. “I was just wondering if you could tell me what you think of using FaceTime for a family meeting.” She scowled at my mea culpa, so I thought I’d better apologize in more detail. “Did I catch you at a bad time…?”

I could see her finger reaching for something on her screen and then suddenly she, and her picture disappeared. The kids were right, you know; sometimes it’s good to text first for permission before phoning.

It’s been a few weeks now though, and I’m still waiting for her to text…

[i]https://theconversation.com/teenagers-no-longer-answer-the-phone-is-it-a-lack-of-manners-or-a-new-trend-262718

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