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Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles still live

I’m an octogenarian now and still wondering what to think about Age. As a result, perhaps, I often remember Mark Twain and his quip that ‘Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.’

Of course when you’re young, Age is not so much of a concern; there are other things that get in the way: money, family, job -they’re all top contenders… until they aren’t. If you haven’t settled them by my age, time is running out, don’t you think? They’re still important, of course, but whether to ‘go gentle into that good night’ or instead, ‘rage, rage against the dying of the light’ are your most compelling concerns, I would guess.

Personally, I haven’t made up my mind yet; now that I’m retired, there are too many other things to think about. Like, am I going to go for a run today, or meet the guys for coffee instead? Maybe spend the morning writing, or reading books I never knew existed? It’s amazing what gives me pleasure nowadays! Then again, I suppose those kinds of decisions always did; it’s just that I find I have more time to do them now. No big paradigm shift though; just an available time shift. It’s surprising what follows a long career.

Still, I believe I’m happier nowadays, although I don’t think I was ever prone to its opposite; I seldom had the luxury to think of my mood in the old days: I was too busy; maybe that’s what saved me.

Of course, it’s not exactly carpe diem in retirement, but the uncounted and increasingly unnamed days are like a deck of shuffled cards: you never know what’s going to turn up next. And anyway,  the deliberate search for happiness can lead to even less of it: the happiness paradox. Happiness, it would seem, takes its own meandering route; it sometimes becomes an unexpected house guest just when you open the door to leave.

There is even some research that has revealed a ‘U-shaped happiness-age curve, whereby self-reported wellbeing tends to dip in mid-adulthood and peak in old age… and successfully achieving happiness depends not just on finding things that make you happy and doing them, but on whether being happy and pursuing happiness fits into your current broader system of life goals.’[i]

If you are middle-aged or younger, then ‘you are likely in the ‘accumulation phase’ of life, juggling multiple high-stakes objectives: acquiring skills, building a career, raising a family, saving for major expenses, establishing your reputation, and so on. In this phase, goals centred on growth, future security and achievement take priority… A day spent seeking happiness can feel like a day stolen from success… For older adults, however, their hierarchy of goals has shifted.’

The reason for the shift is often not what one might have expected; it’s not that we now have the time and wisdom to figure out what is really important, it’s more that our time horizon has shifted: we are more aware that we are reaching the final chapters of our books. When future time feels limited as we grow older, our goals as well as our capabilities change and ‘pivot away from long‑term achievement and toward emotional happiness and meaning. As a result, happiness moves to the centre of the goal system.’

Wisdom, then, is realizing what is really important to us as we see the finish line approaching. ‘Older people are more keenly aware than younger people of their time being finite, maintaining social connections and enjoying life aren’t ‘distractions’ from more important work – these activities are their ‘work’ and primary life priorities.’ Happiness for older people seems less dependent on high-arousal positive emotions – excitement, thrill and intense euphoria, and more on low-arousal positive emotions such as calm, peace and contentment.

I suppose, though, that neither one size nor one stimulus fits everybody. We are obviously all as different as the unknowable finitude of our time remaining. I mean, yes, I have given up paragliding, and climbing, but I still enjoy running. My friends are diminishing as quickly as my desires for contact sports -contact anything, for some of us, I guess- but that difference intrigues me.

Goals are just as important in old age, but what, exactly, does old mean? I cannot, and do not want compete with younger versions of myself because winning is not the object; improving what I can still do is often more important; being realistic is always achievable.

I can still remember Old John -although his last name and where he lived has now escaped me. Among other jobs, he was the ‘skate-tightener’ at a community outdoor ice rink in post-war Winnipeg. Each morning in the winter he would get up long before anybody arrived, and flood the rink to make it smooth. Then he would unlock the old clubhouse and tidy the benches and sweep the floor before the morning rush of children and their classmates from the nearby community schools doing their gym classes.

His job did not stop with the flooding of the rink or the tidying of the club house, though. We kids never thought of the work he had to do before we arrived; to us, Old John was just our skate-tightener. If left to our own small fingers, our knots would slip and our skates would wobble, and after the puck dropped many of us would actually be skating on ankle leather, the blades now parallel with the ice surface like scrapers.

No, Old John was a vital part of our dreams of hockey; he didn’t coach -although he would encourage each and every child whose laces he’d tightened; he sometimes taped the blades of the often worn and cracked hockey sticks each youngster brought and proudly showed him. I’m not even sure he knew more than the rudiments of the game, although I remember him leaning on the rink boards and smiling at the children on their now-tightened skates using their freshly taped hockey sticks to stay upright.

I don’t know what happened to Old John -my parents and I moved to a different city in another province when I had finished grade 2 (my father worked for the railroad and was transferred every 3 or 4 years); but aeons later, I still think of Old John and how he fashioned his golden years. I don’t know what his job was when he was younger, but judging by the care with which he tightened every skate, I can’t believe his ‘accumulation phase’ was wasted.

Indeed, because of him, I don’t think Youth was wasted on the Young either: in our minds, he was just an older one of us; in mine, he still lives there …

[i] https://psyche.co/ideas/why-older-people-are-happier-and-what-we-can-learn-from-them

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