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Be respectful to your superiors if you have any; also to strangers, and sometimes to others…

Is there a universally acceptable way to address someone even if you don’t know their name? I know, I know, it all depends… Social class seems vague nowadays, and short of offering to shake their hand when it’s not proffered, and then insisting on introducing yourself when they look away might be tense. In most western societies, bowing one’s head, or kneeling would be, well, even more awkward I think.

Any way, asking their name is my go-to; I am not comfortable with first establishing their preferred pronouns in case they ask for mine. I suppose it’s an Age thing, but just to be clear, my pronouns -if requested- are simply those which seem the most appropriate for the situation, rather than insisting they simply guess when addressing me. Fortunately my friends are all elderly, and would be unlikely to give a coherent answer about what pronouns they would accept; most of us would be happy just to be noticed, rather than engaging in a semantic ‘I-go-by’ game.

Of course, if an elder wishes to avoid any gender assignations which haven’t been pre-cleared, they could always say ‘they’, point at themselves and then point at the interlocutor with an inquisitive shrug. Let’s face it, anything which grants permission to point at a stranger without getting punched is probably worth it…

As for me, I don’t like to be addressed by my last name alone. Yes, I realize it is a family name and not an informal identifier like my first name -but am I alone in this? I feel conflicted in this cultural aberration: I do not wish to be addressed by my first name either, unless I have given permission to use it.  I wonder if my upbringing has failed me: it didn’t really teach me about names; my parents just used nicknames on me as if I were a dog waiting in the room with its tail wagging. Anyway, what’s so special about a name? It’s not that I crave an honorific like Mister, or Rose, or anything Shakespearean like that -just something more respectful of my Age, I guess.

One thing that is becoming obvious to me though, is that sex is a biological category, whereas gender is a social one. Therefore attaching pronouns to gender rather than to sex is more concordant with linguistic terminology, so ‘words, including but not only pronouns, have a gender rather than a sex… Moreover, words are described as being ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ (or ‘neuter’) rather than as male or female.’[i] There are a lot of things that you have to adapt to when you get old -even if you don’t really understand them…

But, getting back to my original concern about how to address someone: ‘There was a time, not so long ago, when children and even younger adults would not have presumed to be on a first-name basis with those old enough to be their parents or grandparents. Similarly, strangers would not presume the familiarity of a first-name basis – at least not immediately. Many people now have no such compunctions.’ I mean how should we decide?

Is there a way of rating equality in greeting a stranger, be it moral or social – especially if preserving a unidirectional more respectful form of address may only reinforce a power differential? ‘It is wrong when power is distributed on the grounds of sex, race or ethnicity, for example… the convention that differentiates between children and adults, or students and teachers, is not of this kind. Here social differentials are often unavoidable… it is one thing to invite others to address one informally, and quite another to presume familiarity with those whose preferences may differ.’

I suppose all of this may just appear as another generational screed: a lament that things are changing too quickly (or just changing, period!). And I am comfortably ensconced in both my sex and gender after all these years, and do not at all feel compelled to announce my preferred pronouns. I’m sure that  may seem surprising to a younger generation that is still wading through their own marshes (okay, they see them as simply puddles, I suppose), but so be it. We all follow our own compass, no matter the terrain.

And anyway, all of this is beside the point that led me to write this Jeremiad; I am simply trying to understand why I find being addressed by my unadorned last name as an initial greeting so vexing. I mean how dare they…?

Over the years, I suppose I have been trying to break it down into component parts: I have decided that it is often just rude, or overly aggressive (unless it was a coach yelling at a very young and reluctant me for sitting down on the soccer pitch when all the action is at the other end of the field), or a concerned encouragement from friends on the sideline who would also like me to attend more fully to the game.

But, given that most of the sports in which I’ve engaged as an adult, have been solo activities like jogging, or maybe bike riding, there is seldom a need to yell my last name at me; there is no need for dominance; no need for spectators.

There’s also the undeniable title which I have worn for most of my adult life (and still do as an honorific, I suppose): doctor. In my office, in the OR, or in the hospital corridor, for that matter, my name was seldom unadorned. Although I no longer expect the recognition, I was clothed in for almost 60 years, I miss it -not so much the respect that accompanied it, but more that being addressed by my last name alone almost seems like being summoned when I’m still in the shower.

Despite the no doubt rusting armour of Old Age however, I am trying to change how I am addressed; I am resorting to another appellation that I have used for years now as a nom de plume – or in this case, ‘G’, my initiale de plume, I suppose. It’s both a sign of respect, and a beacon of hope: it means you’ve read some of my stuff… including this, eh?

[i] https://psyche.co/ideas/the-curious-paradox-in-how-we-address-each-other-today

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